La cagaste bien cagada

I remember walking through the book store with my daughter one day, and we ran across a book called "Everybody poops".  The book was about potty-training and we got a serious laugh out of that.   Don't judge us, we just have a strange sense of humor.  Besides, it's true, everybody poops.  But admit it, sometimes it's more appropriate, accurate and a lot more fun to say you have to take a shit.  And if you want to tell someone you have to shit in Spanish you need the word cagar.

Tengo que cagar
I have to shit

Here's something you may see scribbled on the bathroom wall:

Caguen tranquilos, caguen contentos,
pero por favor, caguen dentro.

The translation goes something like this:

Shit peacefully, shit happily, but please, shit in the toilet.

Memorize it and save it for just the right moment, your Spanish buddies won't be able to stop laughing and everyone will be impressed. 

Cagar is also useful to tell someone to fuck off.

Vete a cagar

 Let's take a look at some words that come from cagar.

A cagadero is what we would call a "shitter".

Aside from a toilet, a cagadero could be an outhouse or a port-a-potty, but you can also use it metaphorically.  Take a look at this picture:

Aqui no es cagadero para perros
This place is not a shitter for dogs

Los cagaderos del bar están muy sucios
The shitters in the bar are very dirty

Me voy al cagadero,  así que nadie me moleste
I'm going to the shitter, so nobody bother me

Su casa es un cagadero
His house is a shithole

The context of our sentence above changes our translation a little, but you get the idea.
You can also use cagar to talk about how you (or someone else) messed something up. 

La cagaste bien cagada
You really screwed that up

Clearly this phrase isn't polite. It's probably a lot stronger than "screwed up", but maybe not as vulgar as "fucked up". 

Here are some more examples.

La cagué con mi novia
I screwed up with my girlfriend

La cagué en mi examen
I fucked up on my test

Lastly, let's look at the word cagada.  If you say something is "la cagada" you're saying it's really great.  Or as we would say it's "the shit"

La película es la cagada
The movie is the shit

Change "la" to "una" and everything changes.

La película es una cagada
The movie is a piece of shit

These phrases should be pretty easy to pick up because they're used pretty much in the same way as our corresponding English phrases.  I'll leave you with one more image.  If you 've been paying attention translating it should be no problem.  Consider this a test and your reward will be a good laugh.

That's it for today, chao!

En el coño de mi mujer cabe todo

Coño is one of those words that can be used as pretty much as a generic, catch-all swear word, but we'll get back to that in a minute.  First let's talk about a different meaning of the word coño.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but you'll have to look for your own pictures this time and settle for me just telling you what coño means.

So to ir al grano (get to the point), coño can be translated as cunt, or even pussy.  Honestly, it doesn't matter which translation you use, the point is it's a vulgar way of refering to the vagina. 

Here are some examples of how to use it.

Fotos de coños amateur
Photos of amatuer pussies

Corridas internas coños peludos
Hairy pussy cream pies

Corridas internas may need a little more explanation.  After all, if If we're going to talk about this stuff, we may as well be thorough about it.

A corrida is what we call a cum shot.  interna means inside, or internal.  I'm guessing you get the picture now.  The porn world calls this a cream pie.

Now we can get back to coño.

Como comer un coño
How to eat a pussy

Quiero mamar y lamer tu coño
I want to suck and lick your pussy

You get the point.  At least I hope so because I'm starting to feel really perverted right now.

OK, let's get on with it because we're not done yet.

When you're not being a pervert you can still find other uses for the word coño.

In terms of day-to-day usage as a general swear word, coño can translate to shit, damn or fuck.  Sorry to disappoint you if you're looking for a concrete translation, but how you translate coño (i.e. how strong it is) depends a lot on what country you're in.  All that aside, let's look at some examples.

Ni de coño
No fucking way

Que no jodes, coño
Don't fucking bother me, damn

Vete al coño de tu madre
Go to hell

You could also shorten that to:

Vete al coño
 Go to hell

Anytime you start using someone's mother in your insults it turns things up a notch, so  personally, I think you could also translate "Vete al coño de tu madre" as "fuck off".  But that's just me.

FYI, unlike in English, where cunt and pussy are proper insults, you can't call someone a "coño".  You'll sound like an idiot.  Don't worry, you can still use coño as an insult, you just have to say it like this:

Eres un coño de madre   
You're a son-of-bitch

When you're angry, frustrated, maybe you just screwed something up or you just stubbed your little toe on the bed post.  In those situations you can let out a very justified....

Coño
Shit/damn/fuck

Let's keep going, there's still more you need to know.

Me importa un coño
I don't give a damn

¿Qué coño hago ?
 What the fuck do I?

¿Qué coño te pasa?
What the hell is wrong with you?

¿Dónde coño has estado?
Where the fuck have you been?

¿Quién coño es este?
Who the hell is this?

This post is really just enough to get you started and by no means is an exhaustive list of the many different ways to use coño.  I imagine that nearly all Spanish speakers  understand coño, so you should have no problems making yourself understood.  Well, for those of you daring enough to use this new found information that is.  I will also add that Venezuela and the Domican Republic are famous for the use of the word coño.  If you know of any other countries that specialize in the use of coño,  or know of any other expressions, leave a comment.

I almost forgot...we still have to translate the title of today's post.

En el coño de mi mujer cabe todo
Everything fits in my wife's pussy

That's it for today.   Hasta la proxima!

Me rompas las bolas, la bolas Gary, las rompas

Let's face it, sometimes you just gotta let it out.  You gotta tell someone to get off your back, let them know they're going a little too far and asking for a little too much.  Here's one way to do it.

Me rompas las bolas
You're breaking my balls

Here are some more examples:

Profesora, no puedo hacer el trabajo. Me está rompiendo las bolas
Professor, I can't do the work.  You're breaking my balls

Mi vieja me está rompiendo las bolas para ir de compras
My wife is busting my balls about going shopping

Deja de romperme las pelotas
Stop breaking my balls

There's another version that means the same thing.

Romper el culo

Me estás rompiendo el culo
You're breaking my balls

You could say any of the previous examples with "romper el culo" and get your message across.

It's also worth mentioning that even though I used the word bolas for balls, there are other words you can use - pelotoas, huevos, and cojenes.  There are probably other words too, but those three are very common and should be understood pretty much everywhere.

Lastly, I'm going to leave you a clip of our friends from SouthPark.  They're just as foul-mouthed in Spanish as they are in English.  And for the next 1 minute and 17 seconds of your life, Butters and Cartman are going to help you out with your listening and pronunciation skills.  I mean, reading is great, but there's nothing like hearing it in real life.  OK, it's not real life, it's YouTube, but you get the point.  Enjoy!

Chao!

¡Jódete!

In Mexico chingar is the verb of choice for slinging around insults and obscenities in general, but in Spain you'll need the verb joder. And since a picture is worth a thousand words, I know you've already figured out what jódete means. 


¡Jódete!

Fuck you!

While jódete does get the job done, there's also another very nice expression.

Que te jodan

Fuck you

Joder can be used for insults, general swearing and to talk about the act of sex.

If just want to let off a little steam, then you can say:

¡Joder! 

Fuck

You can also say:

Estoy jodido

I'm fucked

Here's a few more uses of joder.

It's used to make threats:

Te voy a joder
I'm gonna fuck you up

You can use it to talk about how annoying someone is.

Este tio no para de joder a la gente
This guy won't stop fucking annoying people

No me jodes
Don't fucking annoy me

You can use it to say something is in really bad shape

Se ha jodido el motor

The engine’s fucked
 
La situación es jodida
The situation is fucked up 
 
And of course to refer to sex.
 
Me jodí a la secretaria
I fucked the secretary
 
While joder can mean "to fuck" as in English, it's much more common to use the verb follar.
 
Te quiero follar
I want to fuck you
 
Me follé a mi novia y su hermana

I fucked my girlfriend and her sister

Since we started things off with insults, there's another expression worth mentioning,  although it doesn't involve the word joder.  Let's take a look.

Que te den

Literally this translates to "that they give it to you".  It doesn't seem to make much sense, because we have no idea what it is they're trying to give us.  At any rate, we know it's nothing good.  Let me fill you in on the part that's missing so this will all make sense.

"Que te den" is actually short for:

Que te den por el culo

That they give it to you in the ass

Well, now things are starting to come together, but our translation isn't quite there.  In English we'd be likely to say:

Que te den por el culo

Stick it up your ass 

We could also translate this as "up yours", either way you get the idea.  

That's about it.  Remember, this discussion of joder is about its use in Spain.  Joder is used in other countries, but it's meaning and uses vary, so do your homework if you're using these expressions with someone other than Spaniards.  Also, this is by no means an exhaustive account of the many expressions and uses of joder.  If you know more, don't be shy, share them by leaving a comment or two.

And don't forget to check out Qué Boquita, the only android phrasebook that will teach you how to swear like a native speaker.  Whether you're in Spain, Mexico or somewhere else you can count on Qué Boquita to keep you from sounding like a gringo while you give people a piece of your mind.

¡Espero que te sirva!

Sabes qué, ¡Chingate!

A picture's worth a thousand words, and I bet I don't need to translate the message this little pinche escuincle (fucking brat) is sending.  Yep, you guessed it, chingate means "fuck you".  Here's another nice insult:

Chinga tu madre
Fuck your mother

While insulting people is always fun (and sometimes dangerous) the word "chinga" has other uses as well.

In English, we toss around the word fuck all the time.  It can be used in a lot of ways, like expressing anger, surprise or frustration and just to flat out insult someone to name a few, and today we'll talk about how do all that in Mexican Spanish, with the the word "chinga" and it's derivatives.

While in English we use the F word (fuck) , aka the "F bomb", to express both emotion and the act of sex, it doesn't work that way in Spanish. 

If you want to talk about the act of sex (fucking), then you need the verbs follar, coger, tirar, joder or chingar for that, with coger being the verb of choice in Mexico.  But if you need to let out a little steam in Mexican Spanish, you can say:

¡Chinga!
Fuck!

You can use the word chinga in the same context you would in English. 

Smashed your finger in the car door?  ¡Chinga!

Got a letter from the IRS saying you owe them $10,000?  ¡Chinga!

You get the point, but here's some more examples anyway:

Ya te dije que me dejes en paz ¡chinga!
I already told you to leave me alone, fuck!

¿Qué la chinga?
What the fuck?

There's also chingao, or chingado.  The word is actually chingado, although you'll see and hear both.   Here's how you would use them.

¿Que chingados?
What the fuck?

¿Quien chingados eres?
Who the fuck are you?

Pues, ¿qué chingados hago?
Well, what the fuck do I do?

¡Ah, chingao! Se me perdieron las llaves
Fuck!  I lost the keys

And here's one more for you...

¿Dónde está Wally? Sepa la chingada
Where's Waldo? Who the fuck knows

For those of you who caught my "Where's Waldo" reference, in Spanish he's known as Wally.  Don't ask me why, I was just as surprised as you.

If you feel you need a little more practice, you can check out this YouTube video:

The nice thing is the video has the letra (lyrics) as well, so now you can learn how to write your insults down.

That's it for today.  Next time we'll talk about how to tell someone to  fuck off in a more neutral Spanish.

¡Hasta luego!

Chupame los huevos

Chúpame los huevos
Suck my balls

This is one of many fun things you can say with the word huevos.  You can use this to tell someone off, or you can use to get want you in the bedroom.  Hey, it sounds crude, but some people like that kind of talk.  And yes ladies, you can use this too.

Chupame las tetas/panocha
Suck my tits/pussy

You can use milder words if you like (seños instead of tetas), but this blog is all about being vulgar, so I decided to go with the flow.

Anyway, the topic of today's conversation is the word huevos.  There are many, many many expressions involving the word huevos, and I'm only going to talk about the few that I'm familiar with.

If for some reason you missed it in the title, huevos can mean balls, as in testicles.  And just like in English, if you want to say someone is "ballsy" you can say something like:

Este cabrón si tiene huevos
This bastard has some balls

Or simply "¡que huevos!".

Then there's huevón.

¡Ay, qué huevón que eres!
You are such a lazy fuck.

No seas huevón
Don't be a lazy bastard

There's no direct translation of huevón that I can think of, but the options I chose are probably pretty damn close.   And if this lazy person happens to be a female, then just switch it up to huevona.  Keep in mind that I'm talking about the meaning of this word in Mexico, and could mean something completely different in other countries.

There's also the expression "A huevo".

Possible the most common use of "A huevo" is agreement.

¿Quieres ir de putas compa?
¡A huevo!

You want to go pick up some hookers dude?
Fuck yeah!

While "A huevo" is best used with your friends.  It's probably stronger than "hell yeah" but maybe not quite "Fuck yeah". Translation is a tricky business.  The point here is it's pretty rude. 

Here's another usage:

When you're told to do something "a huevo", you have two options.  Lo haces o lo haces - You do it or you do it. 

A huevo te vas a ir al escuela
You're going to go school whether you fucking like it or not

Here's a funny saying I found:

El Mexicano no te ordena -Te manda a huevo
A Mexican doesn't order you to do it, he tells you're going to fucking do it no matter what

Here's another good one:

Ni a huevos

This is a fun way to tell someone what you're not going to do.

¿Me prestas cien dolares?
¡Ni a huevos!

¿Quieres correr un maratón conmigo?
¡Ni a huevos!

You can think of this as no fucking way, you couldn't force me to do it, never ever.

Lastly, you can use "A huevo" when someone tells you something good happens.

¡Compa! Me tocó el gordo
¡A huevo!

Dude, I won the lottery.
Fucking sweet!

Well, that's it.  I know there are other uses of the word "huevo", and as I learn more I'll continue to share them with you. 

¡Hasta la próxima!

Me caga tu sonrisa

Let's start with the verb cagar.  Some people will tell you this means to deficate, but it really means"to shit".  If you want to say "defecate", then the word is defecar.  Huge difference between those two.  I really hate when people don't translate things accurately, it could really get you in a lot trouble.  But I digress.

You can't use cagar to say "shit!".  If it's the exclamation you're looking for, then you want to say "¡Mierda!" or "¡Coño!"  But we'll talk more about those in another post.

Now back to cagar. 

You can use it just like you would in English:

Tengo que cagar
I have to shit

But we aren't talking about cagar today.  We're here to talk about it's reflexive cousin, cagarse.  And since cagarse is a reflexive verb it means "to shit yourself."

Casi me cago los pantalones
I almost shit my pants

Casi me cago de la risa
I almost shit myself from laughing so much

Me cago de miedo
It scares the shit out of me or I'm scared shitless

And while those are fun, let's get to today's expression.

Cagarse, at least in Mexico and perhaps other countries, can also be used to say something really fucking annoys you.

Me caga tu sonrisa
Your smile really fucking annoys me

¿Sabes qué me caga?
Do you know what fucking annoys me?

You get the picture, and if you want to see more examples, check out this blog page:

10 cosas que me cagan de ti... Humanidad

There are lots of great examples of how to use this phrase there.  Have fun with it.

That's it for today, ¡hasta la próxima!

¡Carajo!

Like many of the other malas palabras in Spanish, carajo can be translated several ways in English.  Everything depends on context.

If you say:

¿Qué carajo?

Then it translates to something along the lines of "what the fuck"? 

You probably noticed I said "along the lines of", and were hoping for a definition a little more concrete.  Essentially you can translate carajo as either damn, hell, shit or fuck.

The are two reasons you can't make a direct translation of carajo in English.  Reason #1 is context.  But that's fairly easy to clear up after you've seen how the word is used in a variety of situations.

Now it's time for reason #2, and this is where the difficulty in translation lies.  Carajo doesn't have the same meaning in all Spanish speaking countries.  In some places carajo is as strong as the word fuck, in others it's a milder expression.
 
With that in mind, ¿Qué carajo? could also be translated as "what the hell?".  You've got to know your audience.  And for any Spanish speakers out there trying to learn a bit of English, "hell" is a not very strong at all, so if you're looking for a mild version of "Qué carajo", you'll want to you use "what the hell".   "what the fuck" is extremely strong/vulgar, so it's something you'll only want to use with your friends.

At any rate, be sure to keep that bit of consejos (advice) in mind.  Now let's look at some more ways we can use this word.

¡Vete al carajo!
Go to hell

When you stub your toe, feel free to let off a little steam by shouting out...

¡Carajo!
Damn!

In the context of exclamations of surprise, etc, you can use it in the same way you would the word "damn", or "shit", although Spanish has another word for shit -- mierda. 

Me importa un carajo
I don't give a damn/fuck

¿Qué carajo quieres?
What the hell/fuck do you want?

En que carajo estabas pensando cuando hiciste eso
What the hell were you thinking when you did that!

¡Carajo! Se me olvido por completo recoger a mi esposa
Damn, I completely forgot to pick up my wife.

Here's one more for good measure...

No entiendo ni un carajo
I don't understand a damn word

That's it for today, ¡espero que te sirva! 

Estoy encabronado contigo

We all get angry, it's just that sometimes the word angry doesn't really express just how angry you are.

In English when you get really, really angry the expression is "to get pissed off".  In Spanish you would use the verb encabronarse.  

Me encabroné
I got pissed off

Me voy a encabronar
I'm going to get pissed off

Se encabrono el vato
The guy got pissed off

There's also encabronar, which means "to piss off"

Estoy encabronado contigo
I'm pissed off at you

That's it!  Pan comido.  Now you know just a little bit more Spanish (or English) and can express how you really feel.

¡Hasta la próxima!

Qué chingados es eso?

In English we have the word fuck, also known as the F word.  In México you have chingar.   But if you've been following my blog, you already know that.

We use the word fuck in a variety of ways in everyday speech, so let's see how we would say some of those things in Spanish.

¿Qué chingados quieres?
What the fuck do you want?

¿Que chingados es Twitter?
What the fuck is Twitter?

¿Quién chingados eres?
Who the fuck are you?


¿Con quién chingados estabas?
Who the fuck were you with?

¿Que la chinga?
What the fuck?

¿Qué chingados?
What the fuck?

¿Qué chingados dijiste?
What the fuck did you say?

No sé que chingados hacer
I don't know what the fuck to do

Hazme el chingado favor
Do me the fucking favor

Ay,  que la chingada
Ah, fucking A

¿qué chingados pasó?
What the fuck happened

A la chingada con él
Fuck him

Well, that's just a few expressions to get you started.  Just as there are a million and one ways to use the F word, there are a million and one ways to use chingar.  And little by little, we'll learn how to learn how to curse like a true Mexican.

¡Nos vemos!

Se chingó mi celular

It seems there's no end to the uses of chingar.  Although technically speaking we're about to talk about chingarse, it's reflexive cousin. But that sounds too much like grammar, so let's move on.


In this context, when you say something "se chingó" you're saying it's broken, it doesn't work anymore.  In English we would say it got really screwed up, or "it's fucked". 

This is really quite easy to use, so let's look at some examples:

Se chingó la televisión 
The television is screwed up

Ya se chingó mi cell
My cell phone is fucked


There's really not a whole lot to this one, but it's a very, very common expression that you need to be familiar with if you're going to dive into the world of swearing in Mexican Spanish.

Pues, ¡Hasta la próxima!

Te voy a romper la madre

In a previous post, I talked about the phrase "te voy a chingar", which is a way of saying you're going to kick someone's ass.  Or worse, someone's telling you they're about to kick your ass!  Let's hope it's not the latter.  If you haven't read that post, click here.
But like most things in Spanish, there's more than one way to skin a cat.  By the time you finish reading this post, you'll know more than enough ways of letting someone know you mean business.

Te voy a romper la madre
Te voy a partir tu madre
Te voy a dar unos chingadazos
Te voy a dar unos madrazos
Te voy a dar unos putazos

All of the phrases above essentially translate to "I'm going to kick your ass".   Chingadazos, putazasos  and madrazos refer to really giving someone a good beating. I'm not sure we really have an equivalent in English, but you might say that you're not just going beat them up, you're going to "beat their ass" or "whip their ass" really good.  Something that goes beyond a normal beat down.

There are two more phrases, which also mean an ass kicking is about to be handed out, but I found them a little more entertaining.

Te voy a partir tu mandarina en gajos
I'm going to tear you're Mandarin Orage into slices

What oranges have to do with ass kickings is beyond me.

Te voy a dar en tu 10 de mayo
I'm going to give it to you in your May 10th

You might be wondering what May 10th has to do with an ass-whoopping.  Well, May 10th is the day Mother's Day is celebrated, which brings up back to the word "madre", which we've already seen above, so hopefully everything is coming together with phrase right about now. 

I know that some of my readers are Spanish speakers looking for equivalent English phrases, so let me leave you all with a few common English, or at least American phrases:
 
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass
I'm gonna rip you a new one
I'm gonna rip you a new asshole
I'm gonna kick the shit out of you
I'm gonna beat your ass
 
Just for fun, here's a few I heard on the playground as a kid:
 
Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it
If you're gonna kick my ass you better pack a lunch because it's gonna be an all day job
 
Well, that's more ass-kicking than any one person should have to suffer for one day.
 
¡Hasta luego!

Esta chingadera no sirve!

If you don't know, "no sirve" is a way of saying something doesn't work.  I learned this from a taxista in Mexico when I went to put on my seatbelt.   But that's another story.

Now let's talk about chingadera.

Chingadera is a word used to describe something you don't know, or maybe can't remember what it's called.   Kinda like the word "thing".  Except it's more like "fucking thing".  I wouldn't say that's an exact translation, but that's probably the closest English equivalent.  Definitely not something you want to say around your grandmother.

So the complete translation would be:

Esta chingadera no sirve!
This fucking thing doesn't work.

Let's look at one more example:

Pasame esa pinche chingadera
Pass me that fucking thing.

If you follow my blog on a regular basis, you may have noticed how I combined pinche with chingadera.  Little by little we'll start putting these words together and you'll be cursing like a true Mexican in no time.  If you haven't read my entrada (blog post) on pinche, click here.

As you can see, unlike some Mexican swear words, chingadera is actually quite easy to use and integrate into your Spanish, should you be so inlcined. 

¡Hasta la próxima!

Me vale madre

This phrase comes from the verb valor. 

Me vale madre is a way of saying "I don't give a damn".  Actually, it's stronger than that, more like "I don't give a shit/fuck".  

 Here's a quick chart:


Te vale madre = You don't give a shit
Le vale madre = He/She doesn't give a shit
Nos vale madre = We don't give a shit

Les vale madre = They don't give a shit

There are times when you don't need such a strong response, in which case you can drop the "madre" and say "me vale", which simply means "I don't care". You can also say "no me importa". Think of it as:


Me vale = no me importa = I don't care.

That's it!  If you speak enough Spanish, sooner or later you're going to come across this, it's actually quite common. 

Before I go, let me say that madre is a very strong word in Spanish, at least in Mexican Spanish.   There are plenty of ways to use this word, and we'll be looking at those later.

Cuidense!